this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
