u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I looked at my own cervix.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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