I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
