Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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