also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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