i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
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I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
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Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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