I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
sex in a hospital.. check
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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