Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
