Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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