Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
