After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
