FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
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