I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
