i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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