Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
