Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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