yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
