Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
