I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
