I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
