Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
