Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
