I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
You took a bar mat shot.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
