This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
