True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
