So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
