You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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