theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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