Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize
