I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
