I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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