You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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