Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
