Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
