dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
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He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
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Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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