We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
