He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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