i was born a porn star she said
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
