remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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