I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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