we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
