I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
