guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
