I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
