She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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