i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
