that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
