You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
