i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
