I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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