Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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