I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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