I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
