I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
