He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
