i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
